Tuesday, March 09, 2010
do i have a life?i dun feel like i do.
everyday study like crazy.
worrying about results.
tinking about upcoming tests.
panicking cos im not catching up with the rest of the class.
i feel stupid. :/
i realise tht im cursing more and more now.
i don't,in the past.
when jeslyn curse, it means:
1. shes jus playing around.
2. she feels seriously fcuked up.
how many times mus i say this?
我不是神。
dun expect me to get freaking good results for every tests jus becos im in triple science.
guess wad? im not a genius.
im not performing up to standard.
i noe tht fairly well myself. i dun nid ppl to tell me that.
sometimes u tink tht u did well, but everyone else is doing better than u.
u cant help but compare with others.
theres no such ting as 知足长乐.
u noe how they always say :" You should strike a balance between work time and play time."
bullshit.
look at the amount of stress and see if u can afford to play.
try to stop and rest for a while, in no time, u will be lagging far behind the others.
thats how cruel reality is.
i feel like im carrying a haversack, as i get older, it gets heavier and heavier.
the weight gained are the stress on me.
parents,family,teachers,frens,cca and.
myself
are giving my stress. theres a certain expectation that i have to meet.
if i dun, or at any point of time, i miss that mark by a bit, i will be flooded with comments like:
"aiyo, why like that? why so poorly done? how much did others get? how come u didnt do as well? u dunnoe how to do the paper meh? told u not to play com alr. i didnt see u study at all!"
do you tink the paper is really easy? how do u noe i have not done my best?how do u noe i have not studied hard?
i did, or at least i tried to.
jus give me a teeny weeny bit of stress, and i could break down and cry.
its only the third month of the year, and ive cried more than tht of the whole of last yr alr.
and the reason behind every single time i cry is:
studies.
results.
worrying that i will get single digit for the test.
tinking tht i will flunk the test agn.
afraid tht i will disappoint others.
panicking that i will not do well for the big Os.
as i was choosing my combi last yr, i was tinking:" oh, its only sec 3. no big deal. how far off can it be from sec 2?"
eeks. im so stupid at tht time. wad an idiot.
and i really hate maths. i-cant-catch-up.
u noe half of our class is made up of scholars.
and tht they have learnt some of the topics and they can catch up really quickly.
but that doesnt mean that u can neglect the locals right?
dun try to say that we should tell the teacher that we are having difficulties and that he should explain agn.
we dun wan to make the whole class wait for us. and i tink we may be the minority that are having difficulties.
really, im struggling. i have a phobia for maths now. i dun have confidence for it. whenever i look at the paper, i blanked out. i completely dunnoe how to do. the ques are freaking hard. and it sucks to noe that the others noe how to do it and u dun.
i feel like i have nobody to tok to. nobody truly understands me and no matter wad i do, ppl will judge me. and im very very sensitive towards comments that ppl make about me. esp negative comments about my physical appearance, my attitude, my results, my personality. other ppl can laugh it off as a joke and tink tht its nth.
but im sorry, i cant.
say that im oversensitive or wad, im jus like that. i really hate it if ppl teases me.
oh. why am i being like this. i hate myself.